I am a human too - I also search for the life

 1:46 am IST.

Mid of the night. 

I scrolled at your profile.

There’s something left inside me - I see you. I smile at myself. Little possessive. Little protective.

The question for me is - Why again? Why ?

I don’t speak in return for this question.

Whatever small affection and childish feelings remain - I cherish it.

In return I don’t expect anything.

Few months back - I used to.

I felt that a miracle will come.

I believe in supernatural power.

But not now- probably I have become so feeble and tired.

It was a great time. No?

The level of dedication and commitment for her was incredible.

But today I see myself as a grown man who turns out to be a gentle human.

You - when I look at my google photos

 8:31 pm | 13th May 2026

I have always been very careful about Google photos.

I don’t open it.

Reason?

It has my memories sweet and painful.

Painful because it includes us.

Your smile, our conversations and your vision.

It cheers me up. 

But I have taken a strong step - when someone at my door  put her everything to wake me up - from the dream, from the desire and from everything that bind us.

I feel a vacuum but slowly trying to love my lost parts if I can else I will fill up with my other half who believed in me.

In our neighbourhood

 In our neighbourhood - 

Birds chirp and I get up very early morning

I feel fresh.

I find fresh air, wind and life.

Life is so perfect in the imperfections.

I feel it - at times. Not as perfect.

A few years back - in my neighbourhood ward - 

You were present.

I couldn’t find the ecstasy and was mingled in my own atmosphere.

Today - I regret.

The neighbourhood is not as same as it used to be.

The planets are far from each other now.

But - we would. I would and I will meet you in some horizon.

Horrendous waves of violence

Unpleasant weather - sometimes cold breeze inside hall.

Laying on the mattress - my jijaji purchased a few days back.

12.04 am night.

After scrolling reels for hours. I took a pause. 

I felt vacuum all of a sudden.

Felt alone.

Googled someone. 

Opened her profile - 1 follower increased. 1 post added.

I quickly affirmed I know that 1 recent post.

It is added to her another public account too. I follow it. I know it. That is my narrow strait to spy.

Must be wrong to do. Definitely wrong to infiltrate someone’s privacy.

Simultaneously - a fire inside.

I am not doing enough.

I need to accelerate.

Prove?

Prove that I was capable. I am capable. 

Probably, trying to hurt.

Probably telling that you lost a gem.

Probably never telling myself - I lost myself on the way while trying to insert a feeling of regret to someone.

There’s no profit for any of them.

Accept.

Accept 

And 

Just live.

Am I doing enough?

 I have not been able to take a deep nap from last 2 weeks.

This night - I told myself ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

What is bothering?

You are doing just decent - what is the issue now?

I told - I miss my parents, without staying with them nothing feels luxurious to me.

My insecurities- Am I doing exceptional? I was born to be.

Ain’t we running? There is a missing piece saying you can’t afford to stay in the village style big home - all enough to stay luxurious and prove your achievement.

But what is the point of it?

Where are we running?

Broken pieces, shattered dreams, unfulfilled desire to rule and stay courageous all at same time.

This keeps me awake.

This creates question- Am I doing enough?

The difficult present and the noisy past

Today, while I am in bed thinking of sleeping,

I find my thoughts wandering.

I reiterate—there’s no going back.

I am on a new journey, I convince myself.

However, I am a prisoner of my own mind. 

It loves to be caged. It loves to be excruciated⁠, 

because it finds someone there accompanying me.

The moment I sleep, when I am tamed by the bars of the cage, I start thinking—

I became a version of myself as if it were time travel. I suddenly start smiling; my innocence is fragile, and I left the world for someone to call me her own.

Heavy rain on the rooftop, the sound of a train passing by making a "chooh-chooh" sound, an owl sitting on the trees, and lights slowly turning off in the hostel building—I was smiling, bestowing love upon everything and laughing at her laugh.

The only difference I never imagined—the reality of the story—that time would ever get imprinted on the memory lane of my life.

A token of determination

 A token of strong determination towards self-

Let the world pull me down, I recite the name of god and say - forgive my forefathers but I trust you.

I’ll never let me down.

Give me lord, The power to recite your name. 

To give me the purity in my thoughts and actions to never hurt anyone’s sentiments.

Bless me with your diving aura to become kinder and sweet.

I’ll always trust and struggle. I’d never step back. I’ll fight for the right and stay curious.

I never wish that you come back

On a cold season, my soul was searching for warmth—
the same warmth it once found in the winter with her.
The unparalleled laughter and my unending stories,

to every logical statement for which I had no answers.

Still, I was smiling, adoring the bond,
participating in the battle of Q&As,
randomly fighting over the special food we ordered,
from the naughty play to a lifetime of memories.

To the one who was never an actor in my life,
to the one who was the page I would never want to read again,

the only thing I cherish is the occurrence—
but sadly,
I would never wish to come back.

Why did the wind break me down?

There is a shift in how I behave. I remember my intrinsic shade. 

I am a very common star in the universe, a general human. 

I have the characteristics of humans in the world and those are programmed humans. 

However, The logic breaks in the structure. I sometimes sit alone. 

I remember everything. All the smallest elementary components that united me. 

I feel that I am a broken piece. I am still not in the compound structure. 

I sit alone to find myself overwhelmed. I have surplus emotions to process and then I tend to write. 

I feel the deep scratches, I try to cultivate the wounds, I feel like adding my thoughts to the same. 

This wouldn't become the compound in this lifetime. The reason is that I am left in my elementary, most foundational state. 

I believe, the nature gifted me with this state. 

I feel deep sorry about myself who could never write what he always wanted, because he could never sit with himself. 

All what he spent his time was with a reflection of the compound who left his physical state in his vicinity. 

I change my state - The new state separates myself. I am left in a state where I am neither me nor anyone else. 

It's tough to energize in an universe which doesn't include anything but it's a core of survival, it's a core of validation and it's a phase of proving to the world that I am in a rat race. 

I left all my reflection on a sheet of paper that nature took it away with its strong wind. I couldn't sit alone with self - the loss of losing the reflection hurt me the most. 

I rather chose to hop into a world which doesn't care about emotions. It's a programmatic world. 

Sometimes, The wind blows, touches me and reminds me of the loss and the gains. 

The only gain is to appreciate the growth of my other lost element. 

The intellect, the smile, the boldness, the independence and the skins - I held everything so compactly within myself and now each of these entities touch me, the wind is the trigger. 

How can I blame the wind? 

How can I blame the nature? 

Arguing with them by shedding tears that why did you bring that elementary unit to my life? 

Would it make sense? 

No. Never. 

All I have to do is to live with it. 

A mystical superpower is the lord

 I believe in the gods.

Because, They are real; They are inside us. They are in your purities. 

Nothing just words

Not much, but a small request.

Keep coming in the dreams, it feels like you're still inside.

Running in the blood, beating in the heart and smiling in my soul.

Keep coming when I am tired,

In a world of delusion, Be my core.

In a world of strangers, Hug me and Kiss me;

Tell me how much important I am to you.

But, the present is not hidden,

The reality is that you're inside me but away from the eye.

When I sit, read the old letters that are still left to be deleted,

I smile, I cry and I feel so anxious.

Sudden burst of emotions and I feel like a baby,

The one who would want your support,

But you're not beside,

Then I feel that I would do the best in my life,

Keeping you as a base in my soul.

Honestly, I don’t know where to start.

Tonight, something familiar rests on my soul —
the same song that once echoed through me,
the same heaviness in my heart,
and the same absence of the one who was once my everything.

I don’t feel like talking about the stars,
or the moon,
or that place I once called my refuge —
where the Northern Lights danced above us.

Tonight, I just want to sink into the ocean of my emotions.
The weight of them pulls me under —
the longing to meet again,
the urge to speak,
to whisper a few sorries,
to ask for forgiveness,
to start the story again.

The story that began with you —
endless calls on the train,
the unfiltered truth in my voice,
the quiet possessiveness I felt for you.

The way you scolded me in that sweet anger,
when I was wrong.
The way you cared.
The way you stayed.
The way you were real.

You gave life to someone who had never tasted
such rawness in love.
You built me a universe I didn’t know I was allowed to live in.
I smiled there.
I laughed there.
I lived there.

But maybe… what I didn’t do
was ask if you were happy.

I became so wrapped in myself,
I forgot to wrap my arms around your dreams.
I didn’t give you space to fly.

And I regret that.
I wish I could go back,
hold my younger self by the shoulders,
and tell him:

“You couldn’t hold all that love
because you never truly lived in the moment.
You were always lost in yourself.
And that’s okay.”

As I grow older,
I will remind myself
to be grateful —
for what is,
just as it is.

Tonight, the words feel slow to arrive.
Not because the heart is empty —
but because it is too full.
The thoughts are wide,
but my pen is small.

Life never follows a linear path

 Life never follows a linear path or inclination, it struggles to navigate through potholes. 

Essentially, We create subjects in this objective world. Isn't?

An object say XYZ can be either perceived as a gold or just an object without helping a man to move from one place to other like a motorbike.

For me, It is always to grow, I can ignore the party scenes, an important movie to watch, or a social gathering for fun.

Because I have created stories in my mind about the career. It is definitely important but sadly it is less important that thinking about the self who creates the illusion of objective reality to a strict subjective career goal.

What would the society speak about this actor, Who is not keeping the trend of highly luxurious lifestyle?

A latent fear has developed inside the actor's brain, This fear is about elimination of his respect in the society, in the image of actor's parents and close associates.

The actor feels so much pressure inside, working day and night to get closer to the goal, losing the track of his own existence. 

One fine night, struggling to cope up with the stress he built over months and years, He tries to uncover the past dimensions of his life, Why?

He wanted to feel vulnerable. He wanted to feel that someone hears to his crisis, Someone who can instill belief in himself, the primary thing is to stay. 

A human doesn't need anything else. He can bring stars, land on the moon, build an empire and fight with enemies inside.

The tired actor was in deep grief over the issues. The planet was quite deserted, The past dimensions were absent, The trees, flowers, rivers, mountains, birds all were occupied, He couldn't talk with any of them. 

He enclosed himself in a room, grieving the loss of dimensions, struggling to establish his potential, feared the situation of social defamation and surrounded by the uncertainty of the future prospects.

A deep scar inside the heart, The subjects developed in the mind were purely unhygienic.

There was still a small ray of light somewhere, It gave a hope. It maintained the system of his lifecycle. 

It was the determination.

Nothing can beat a man than his own thoughts

It has been a long time since I wrote something here.

The reasons are unknown.

Sometimes, I try to ensure everything around me is organized and that there is no deficiency in my lifestyle. I purchase everything I need to make life easier.

The irony is that even after setting things right on the outside, there is still chaos within.

At times, I do things that go against my principles, and it makes me feel weak.

This cycle of highs and lows takes a toll on me.

this weirdo is here

I believe in myself. I know this is a challenging phase, but I love challenges—at least, that’s what I tell myself. I remind myself to embrace them and be grateful. The Almighty knows everything.

I have strange habits sometimes, like suddenly ordering food late at night or sleeping excessively. Sometimes, I indulge in unnecessary shopping, while at other times, I feel indifferent to everything.

Despite everything, I occasionally find myself revisiting old memories, triggering my past neural patterns, getting caught in a whirlwind of emotions, feeling miserable—only to snap out of it suddenly.

There are days when I talk endlessly on calls, and then there are times when I avoid picking up calls from my family.

Anyway, I’ve noticed a few readers from different parts of the world—thank you for being here.

If you read my story and wish to talk, please comment on this post, and I will respond.

I broke down

Yes, my readers.

I am grateful to you that you spare sometime to read my life blogs.

Since nothing is hidden from you and I wanted to share you that..

I broke down, recently.

Any object in this universe comes with an expiry date.

So was my emotions.

I broke down so badly and I isolated myself.

I brought books closer to me and started identifying my patterns in the lines of the book.

I smiled, cried and expressed all emotions while reading it.

I introspected.

I found a better right path which probably my friend circle wouldn't have taught me.

Then I realised sometimes we live so fastly that we never stop to realise who we are and what are we doing?

I am grateful and I am working towards my goal.

No matter how difficult it might get but I'll promise that I'll never stop doubting my true intentions.

3 AM night

Being a human and walking in a forest, energizing in the sunrise and happy during the sunset.

Being a human, enjoying his moment, throwing pebble into the river, talking to the sparrow and playing in the mud.

Being a human, devoid of any materialistic pleasure of the world, the most happiest individual, where his skin shines and the heart speaks the truth.

Being a human, who believes in the god, prays for his family and feed the minors.

A human who is connected to the earth, who has abundance of vegetable land and eats organic.

- It's the dream of myself to understand how far we have come from the reality.

Yes, I am ageing. It's called my Birthday today.

At my age, I feel that I am still the same as everyone.

But I never wanted to be everyone, but something else.

I couldn't dare to become that one. 

I felt easier to become a part of society.

When I sit with myself and then I ask - None of them are beside you but only 'YOU' with a very limited set of people who look after you when you're imprisoned in a flat covered with walls, where the density of population is high but they are separated by boundries of the flats and rooms.

Life had never been imagined in this way, a person struggling to earn money by working hard and then enjoying little time with himself and very few people asking about him.

Sometimes, I think about few of the questions which are always unresolved.

The intent is to remain peaceful and enjoy serenity with self and people around, where the mouth utters world of divine Radharani and soul gets pure.

To spread love inside and outside, happy with whatever is blessed, happy with few people and have a tendency to frame good thoughts.

As the life is progressing and I'm hitting a more adult version of myself, I would always cherish what Radharani has brought into my path and I always seek all wisdom and peace into my life.

Truly,

Vivek 

We are not we think| because we never thought at all

I bet most of us are not us but something else.

Like a rose, it never understood it. 

It valued the definitions, as soon as it bloomed, it started following his duties. 

It saw his universe in garden.

It saw his meaning through the lense of other flowers.

It never asked the bees the right question.

The rose never knew it's identity, even the name is an external attribute, the aroma it had, it was pleasurable and an attribute defined by society.

Probably the aroma has a meaning which rose never could understand - it probably meant that the smell is a sort of energy that can change the universe if it is enhaled by certain species.

Difficult emotions today

A house inside my soul experiences storm inside and it conveys me - Hey, I need help. Please fix me.

To the reply, I never figure it out myself and give a resolution plan to it. I say hey- There's nothing I can do, It's a choice that I make myself a victim of the adverse situation.

The life gets so overwhelming, I feel a deep sense of loss, Loss of my version, Loss of my truest self. 

A cloud of overthinking fills me up. I feel heavy and void. I feel horrible.

I feel the sense of fear. 

There's a lot I can do but I choose to stay in this situation. 

I feel despair, But I say - Hey, Let's walk, Proceed, Breathe. 

Let's just live.

A reflection of inside

Sometimes I ask myself - Why do I get sad sometimes?

I think about the vibrations , my vibrations in the past.

I think about the vibrations, a low ones, probably due to a difficult day which lowers the confidence.

I think about my vibrations, a terrible one in the past and which I never want to feel it.

I think about all the outer things which should be perfect and if that's not the case then I find myself low.

The lower energies are because -

I fail.

I lose.

I fail to accept the changing things around.