Horrendous waves of violence

Unpleasant weather - sometimes cold breeze inside hall.

Laying on the mattress - my jijaji purchased a few days back.

12.04 am night.

After scrolling reels for hours. I took a pause. 

I felt vacuum all of a sudden.

Felt alone.

Googled someone. 

Opened her profile - 1 follower increased. 1 post added.

I quickly affirmed I know that 1 recent post.

It is added to her another public account too. I follow it. I know it. That is my narrow strait to spy.

Must be wrong to do. Definitely wrong to infiltrate someone’s privacy.

Simultaneously - a fire inside.

I am not doing enough.

I need to accelerate.

Prove?

Prove that I was capable. I am capable. 

Probably, trying to hurt.

Probably telling that you lost a gem.

Probably never telling myself - I lost myself on the way while trying to insert a feeling of regret to someone.

There’s no profit for any of them.

Accept.

Accept 

And 

Just live.

Am I doing enough?

 I have not been able to take a deep nap from last 2 weeks.

This night - I told myself ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

What is bothering?

You are doing just decent - what is the issue now?

I told - I miss my parents, without staying with them nothing feels luxurious to me.

My insecurities- Am I doing exceptional? I was born to be.

Ain’t we running? There is a missing piece saying you can’t afford to stay in the village style big home - all enough to stay luxurious and prove your achievement.

But what is the point of it?

Where are we running?

Broken pieces, shattered dreams, unfulfilled desire to rule and stay courageous all at same time.

This keeps me awake.

This creates question- Am I doing enough?

The difficult present and the noisy past

Today, while I am in bed thinking of sleeping,

I find my thoughts wandering.

I reiterate—there’s no going back.

I am on a new journey, I convince myself.

However, I am a prisoner of my own mind. 

It loves to be caged. It loves to be excruciated⁠, 

because it finds someone there accompanying me.

The moment I sleep, when I am tamed by the bars of the cage, I start thinking—

I became a version of myself as if it were time travel. I suddenly start smiling; my innocence is fragile, and I left the world for someone to call me her own.

Heavy rain on the rooftop, the sound of a train passing by making a "chooh-chooh" sound, an owl sitting on the trees, and lights slowly turning off in the hostel building—I was smiling, bestowing love upon everything and laughing at her laugh.

The only difference I never imagined—the reality of the story—that time would ever get imprinted on the memory lane of my life.