Day 21 | Revisiting my world

 Hi,

Day 21.

I sat with myself, reminiscing old version of mine, a bold boy filled with a heart.

Creative writing, bringing people in his world of imagination, he used to speak to people about how much is he blessed.

A concrete talent, the amalgamation of his vivid imagination and tendency to associate natural resources with a different perspective of life.

His words helped him survive the toughest days, sitting in a chai wala lane and grabbing tea in his hands in the chilliest days.

The words were typed at a faster pace, so that intrusion of mind can be eliminated and unfiltered emotions can be reflected in his personal notes.

The why me, why is this so excruciating, the pain of losing the loved ones and that too walking on the streets without somebody to talk with.

The words were his power. The words helped him survive the toughest days.

Whether a storm or a sunlight, the goofy emotions had only one way.

Time gradually passed.

The self declared writer reached his mid 20s.

He felt so void at times, probably from his childhood days that he would never be gifted with anyone to express his thoughts, but he always wanted that subject in his life.

In order to fulfill a desire to make social connections, he projected himself by saying how creative he is, in terms of writing.

He wanted people to understand his worth, his presence as divine. Whether he was empty or filled I am not sure but he was definitely looking to have a validation from outside that he is worthy.

He does that today as well (Separate matter).

The climate , this time was favourable. He was gifted with a friend who could read something which I doubted sometimes. 

There's a reason why. 

I might have felt that this projection worked in her case and she might be looking at it like - hell yeah this has  got some crazy skill.

Deep inside, I felt soothing. Well I got somebody who knows that I have a skill. I can speak from words not necessarily always real time mouth stuffs.

Some core skills were acknowledged. I gained a confidence by inspecting oh yeah. I stand better than people around that's why I am chosen and I have a friend. I developed ego. 

Whenever I used to write, I used to sit with pride. Nobody can write like me. I can really understand Shakespeare. I am that kind of crazy folk. 

The confidence soar higher. As I grew older and surpassing my mid 20s, I felt that I have this confidence and I can speak louder in public, I can stand in a college election and was selected as a magazine secretary.

The confidence soared highest. Now at this moment I felt that I am in cloud nine.

The nature knows when they can throw me down. At one point of time in my life and I observed that I don't exercise my skill well, the college ended, no jobs in hand and the most prominent the friend who believed in me had to seperate out for some reasons and I was left alone, couldn't get the validations, I couldn't take the support of words this time.

Why not that time?

All the college days, For the first time in life I believed to have someone who acknowledged my creative skills and boosted my confidence, I understood why do I exist. I really took the art for granted and left writing and that habit turned out pretty bad.

During my worst, I stopped writing at all, I stopped everything that would help me regain the lost confidence.

I survived somehow but then I realized how does that ego takes a toll. 

Now that I have started writing again, I feel that my truest self is a bit under the weather. I am touching him very gently saying hey I am sorry, I try to cry sometimes by saying hey Forgive me.

I will start it and no matter what. I'll do.

Probably this time, just for me.

- Vivek