Inking My Life on Paper

 It’s 2.36 AM midnight, Cold wind injecting my skin and touching the cells. I feel very cold but my heart is aching, I feel the hollow space, I feel alienated. I have love for materials be it a cloth to camera, but at my age I don’t cry longer if any of these apparatus gets malfunctioned. I mourn for the loss of my older version - my child version who found an ecosystem equipped with love, care and affection. Today in this cold weather, I felt heavy pain. I felt a loss. I felt so bad that I started writing and I know that it’s a raw content because I am not sitting with the pain.  I sometimes feel like crying but then I don’t. I don’t know why. I just feel sad.  Bye.

 I visualize the hollowness in the life which could be colorful. This is because I was being validated as "I am special and I started feeling it". "I felt that I am brave enough to go beyond the border because I felt being special". I was overjoyed. I spent time thinking about the crayons. I spent time thinking about the spectrum of the rainbow. I was delighted to witness the sunshine. I was brave enough to navigate the sunsets. Seasons came and gone.  Ups and downs approached. but I was happy with crayons. Where has those living objects gone?  I am too sick to wait. I have started to color myself, I have made a part of me brave enough to accept the loss of the old crayons and have started building one for me. I could use my own crayons and color it, in the huge paintings of the universe, I am going to use my own crayons to color it, It might break or it might paint awful but it is my crayon.

Hello Readers, I am grateful today. The reason is that I breathe in and out; life is present. I have my family, a job for survival, and food to eat. In fact, I have more things to make my life easier than required. But what keeps me away from my real self is a grey matter, which I could not discover. There is a hollow room, very vacant, and it demands more from me. The success that I find today gets devalued because I want to prove myself.  That is probably a version of me trying to prove every day that I exist, I deserve, I possess the caliber. I don’t have much to speak today. Thanks for staying with my heart-written lines.

 The cold has hit already, However the summer takes a toll during the day time. The festive seasons along with some family functions are few of the primary reasons that I need to attend and give a foundational support. The heart aches sometimes-out of no reasons. While I was laying down on the bed, I felt a deep scar it wasn't healed properly.  I allowed myself to feel the ache. I wanted to shed tears but it was dried up. In the same planet there lives a man and a person whom he called as a friend. But the planet in my destiny is so barren now in the absence of that friend. I feel so hollow few of the times. Where has those ecosystems gone? Those evergreen plants that were nurturing? Those tiny creatures in my planet and the unlimited natural aroma of my existence. Why does someone build expectations and water the planet - when one day the plant has to die and their season comes to an end. Continued likely in the future. - Vivek.

Note - This is not written here to justify the correctness of grammar or providing the content to the readers but a reflection to myself. I'm growing up at every passing second. I'm fighting for something at every passing second. The fight is for shine. The fight is for respect and money. The fight is for intellectuals. Leaving behind the gentle arc of my innocence, trust for the people and various other things. I'll grown up seeing my inner self struggling, feeling shameful, abandoned, insulted, beaten,cheated, rejected and what not. But this is not what looks like - because my inner self has dreamt of not seeing the world like that , the versions that I create, the subjective dreams that I set were disposed off. Growing up that I've learnt that life is not a straight path from A to B, but it has several A1,A2 or maybe A1.1.1 nobody knows. But that's okay. Because of what I have been made to feel is not what I am. I am a power born to create, lead and stand. I am a...

Hello,  Thanks for being there for last 3 months.  I am looking forward for a break from Journals.  If there comes something new, I'll post here.  Namo buddhay,  Vivek

Hey,  Nothing special today.  Life isn't always on elevated side.  Sometimes it's just static.  I'll be coming up with new strategies soon.  Bear with me,  Vivek.